Dammit, Tiger Woods. Forget about your wife for a second (I’m guessing that won’t be hard) — How could you do this to us, your fans? Just last week, every person in America was a fan of Tiger Woods. You were an American icon. You broke barriers in the stuffy white world of professional golf. You had the perfect life, with your beautiful family and bazillion dollars. Compared to other “role models” like Kobe the infidel or Michael the dog slayer, we thought you were the model athlete. We wore Nike sweater vests and bought Buicks because of you. We never expected that you would commit “transgressions” that are typically made by our country’s fine politicians, Hollywood celebrities, and prominent businessmen. You were better than that. We trusted you. And you Madoff’ed us.
Three mistresses? Seriously? We never thought that you were such a fiend behind that surly glare. Even Kobe could only claim to have one (public) mistress. You had three, plus a wife. Apparently you really can drive it long consistently. Seems like you live up to your name, Tiger.
But honestly, if you were going to cheat, couldn’t you have picked some classier ladies to cheat with? You’d think that Tiger Woods would prefer discreet politicians’ wives to waitresses and Vegas club promoters. Then again, I guess that was Old Tiger, with his quiet, “boring” life. New Tiger? Well, he’ll look chlamydia in the eye and buy it dinner.
In this world of New Tiger, I just don’t know who to trust anymore. Does the Pope sit around the Vatican and stuff dollar bills into the bustieres of skanky nuns? Does Barack Obama do lines of coke off Sasha and Malia’s dollhouse toilet? Does Big Bird try and lure kids back to his nest for private ABC lessons?
What’s good and what’s evil?
I really don’t know. Because on the same day that Tiger Woods announces that he’s a sleazy d-bag, humanitarian Michael Vick lectures to kids about the horrors of dog fighting.
This is one cruel, cruel opposite-day joke.
Tiger Woods One Liners (forwarded from a co-worker)
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What was Elin doing out at 2:30 in the morning? Clubbing.
Why did Tiger crash into a tree AND a fire hydrant? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.
If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.
What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.
Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.
What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT.
Given Tiger’s racial heritage, can we call this a Black Thai affair?
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family: Cheetah.
Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.
Tiger Woods’ shirt is all red — Problem is, there’s no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.
What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.