Category Archives: Politics

Breaking down politics from the viewpoint of a socially-conscious liberal

How Carly Fiorina Killed Lamb Chop

In 1992, Lamb Chop’s Play-Along premiered on PBS.  Despite the show’s cruelty towards naming its protagonist (it’s as if Babe was named “Bacon”), the lovable Lamb Chop soon became an iconic figure: the heir apparent to Mr. Rogers, the predecessor to Barney.  Lamb Chop taught us all about sharing, caring, and singing never-ending songs during long car rides.  Besides being a talented songstress, our favorite sock puppet also served as a moral compass for her young, impressionable, audience.

Twenty years later, our adorable little Lamb Chop has grown up… and she’s become a raging, mudslinging, neocon bitch.  In place of sweet puppeteer Shari Lewis, we have the psychotic puppeteer Carly Fiorina and her pack of demon sheep.  Instead of espousing ABCs, Fiorina’s sheep are pushing for conservative fiscal policy in the state of California.  Sing along now: A is for axing taxes, B is for balanced budgets, C is for Carly Fiorina, D is for death by Democrats…

…It’s not a message for kids.

In Carly Fiorina’s F-ed Up Campaign Ad Play-Along, she depicts an idyllic scene where we follow a pack of sheep that metaphorically represent fiscal conservatives (note to Carly: next time, try NOT to align yourself with a group of pea-brained mammals that get skinned every winter).  But alas!  In this budget-conscious pack of future sweaters, there is a wolf in sheep’s clothing: Fiorina’s Republican adversary in the upcoming primary, Tom Campbell.  According to Carly, Campbell is trying to pass as a fiscal conservative… though, in reality, he’s a tax-happy, red-eyed, demon sheep.

Thankfully, Fiorina has come up with an acronym for this disguised devil: FCINO, or “Fiscal Conservative in Name Only.” In the ad, you can watch as the Tom Campbell demon sheep brings an apocalyptic end to California.  And, in a call-out to Unsolved Mysteries, you can even “Report a Sighting” of a FCINO on Fiorina’s website.  “This is Officer Fiorina, chasing the perp down the street… Suspect is wearing tweed jacket and khaki pants, but I spotted him carrying ‘The Audacity of Hope’ with no intention of burning it.  FCINO alert!”

With this Carly Fiorina campaign ad, I can’t view sheep the same way anymore.  Gone is the legacy of Lamb Chop: gone is my perception of sheep as cute, cuddly, clone-able, and great mattress salesmen.  Now that there are demon sheep running loose, I won’t be able to sleep on my Sealy Posturepedic without fearing the wrath of a masked FCINO.  So, thank you, Carly Fiorina, for being the great destroyer… of HP, of sheep, and of dreams.

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Worldly Lessons in Politics From The Hills

On Tuesday night, we welcomed the return of an American institution, The Hills, to primetime television. The Hills is MTV’s long-running reality show featuring the glamorous side of Hollywood life. We follow a handful of attractive trust fund babies as they get in fights, reconcile, get in fights, reconcile, get in fights, yell at each other, and then take sides in a Cold War of icy staredowns and sex tapes.

jbobbyIf you think about it, The Hills could easily be adapted to The Hill – that is, Capitol Hill. Where else will you get dramatic backstabbing and illicit romances? In fact, there are more interesting scandals in Washington than in the valley: All Speidi ever did was accuse Lauren of hiding a sex tape. Sarah Palin accused the President of planning to kill grandma. And what’s with this new “drama” between Kristin and Audrina fighting over our favorite hobo-riche iconoclast, Justin Bobby? There are far more people fighting over that slut of a public option than JB.

For every storyline about Brody creeping on a girl, I’ll give you John Ensign and David Vitter. For every storyline about Heidi saying something crazy, I’ll give you Michele Bachmann saying something even worse (“I’m very concerned Barack Obama may have anti-American views… The kids who voted en masse for Barack Obama are the ones being fitted with shackles and chains.”) And for every storyline about The Hills having some redeeming social value?  Well, YOU LIE.

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Channeling Jay Leno…

On Friday, Derek Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hits leader.  However, Jeter is still chasing the record for most hits in one night, held by Chris Brown.

Thousands gathered in DC on Saturday to protest what they consider out-of-control government spending.  Because after eight years of rising budget deficits, now is the time to rise up!…  Many in the crowd prepared for the chance of rain by covering themselves with white sheets and pointy hats.

The USDA has been urging media outlets to stop calling the H1N1 virus “swine flu,” claiming that it is hurting pork farmers.  Pork farmers declined to comment, as they have all been bed-ridden with the flu.

Several college campuses are already reporting swine flu outbreaks, especially amongst those rushing fraternities and sororities.  However, students don’t seem to be deterred from rush, since catching swine flu at a frat party is still not as likely as catching herpes.

At the US Open, Serena Williams lost her semifinal match on a code violation after she profanely berated a linesman.  Serena was heard shouting, “You lie!”…  Serena allegedly told the linesman that she would “shove a bleeping tennis ball down her bleeping throat.”  Serena was hoping that she would finally get women’s tennis onto SportsCenter’s Top 10 Plays.

Joe Wilson has raised more than $1 million since his now-famous outburst during Obama’s healthcare speech.  That’s $500K per syllable.  During Obama’s next healthcare address, Wilson is expected to yell out, “You supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

Wilson said that he would not apologize twice for heckling the President.  Instead, he will ask Governor Mark Sanford to write a series of remorseful love letters to the President on his behalf.

On Friday, Michael Jordan was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame.  Several members of Jordan’s supporting cast were in attendance, including Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, and Bugs Bunny.

Accusations of assault against Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman have been dismissed by the district attorney’s office.  As reason for dropping charges, the San Diego DA cited “insufficient evidence and Merriman’s superb third down defense.”

On Saturday, Tina Fey won an Emmy for her impersonation of Sarah Palin on SNL.  Ironically Sarah Palin also won an Emmy, for her impersonation of Tina Fey without a soul.

This weekend, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez revealed that he purchased rockets from Russia during a nine-country tour.  Chavez claimed the missiles were “defense instruments”, only to be used if he felt threatened.  Then he aimed a rocket at the Venezuelan media, and blew them up.

Brett Favre made his Minnesota Vikings debut with a win on Sunday against the Browns.  Still, it wasn’t a “classic” Brett Favre performance, since he didn’t throw an interception.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb cracked a rib in Sunday’s win against the Carolina Panthers.  After the injury, team trainers consulted with Michael Vick, and decided to put McNabb down.

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The Best of South Carolina

On Wednesday, South Carolina representative Joe Wilson’s “You lie!” outburst was officially filed under the annals of Career-Killing Political Mistakes (which also houses Howard Dean’s scream, John Edwards’ mistress, and Larry Craig’s sex-soliciting loafers).  Wilson’s Democratic challenger in the upcoming 2010 election, retired Marine Robert Miller, has already raised more than $400,000 in the aftermath.

Even though Wilson quickly apologized, his outburst is just another sad chapter in South Carolina’s illustrious history.  The state has always suffered in obscurity as merely a drive-through on to Florida.  It has no important cities (try to name two cities in South Carolina) and few famous South Carolinians.  At least South Dakota has Tom Brokaw… South Carolina?  The only recognizable name on a “famous people South Carolina” search was Vanna White.  I’ll take an “F”, please.

It seems that South Carolina is always living in the shadows of big brother North Carolina, futiley swiping for our attention.  In June, South Carolina’s governor Mark Sanford tried to upstage North Carolina’s John Edwards for the “Best Affair in the Carolinas” award.  Sanford, who had claimed to be “hiking the Appalachian trail” during a mysterious disappearance, was instead hiking up skirts in Argentina.  When he finally came back, Sanford admitted to the affair in a rambly, teary press conference reminiscent of Brett Favre’s (first) retirement speech.  Soon after, the state newspaper published the governor’s Danielle Steel-esque correspondence with his Argentine lover: only in South Carolina would a guy write about his tractor in a love letter to the mistress.

And who can forget Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007?  At least Caitlin Upton made us all aware of the importance of education in the United States.  And it reminded us why South Carolina is not only the worse of the two Carolinas, but that the state university is also the worse of the two USCs.

 

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Booty Calls for Reform

For over a year, I have been receiving emails from BarackObama.com.  I’ve received all types of messages, from ones imploring me to vote, defending TARP, and refuting “scare tactics”… to other messages peddling Obama holiday mugs.

On Monday, I received the following e-mail from Jeremy Bird at BarackObama.com: “Your place Wednesday night?”  Whoa.  Easy now, slugger.  I expect to get these types of messages from Match.com and spammers selling fake Viagara, but not from Barack Obama.  

I realize that Obama’s image has taken a hit with the recent town halls, but trying to seduce your followers with cutesy e-mails about healthcare reform might not help.  I half-expected to see an emoticon wink at me in the subject line, followed by a message flaunting “Booty Call for Reform” mugs.

I’m hoping that Obama’s speech will help Americans better understand healthcare reform, including me.  And yes, Jeremy, I’ll be at my place tonight. 😉

obama-healthcare

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The Six Degrees of Barack Obama Brainwashing America’s Children

As Labor Day Weekend has passed, it’s officially the end of summer.  College football season has begun, Congress will be back in session soon, and I have retired all my white clothes.  So now it’s back to politics as usual.  The Obama administration is confronting several challenges this fall, including the ever-contentious healthcare bill.  Not since Adam vs. Kris has the public been so vehemently divided.

But even though Obama is facing his worst approval rating since being in office, the administration is taking steps to push through his ambitious agenda.  On Tuesday, Obama  plans to address schoolchildren in a controversial back-to-school speech.  The “controversy” has been stoked by conservatives who fear that Obama is trying to brainwash our kids with socialist talk.  Well if that’s true, I’m definitely not letting the POTUS around my [hypothetical] kids.  I mean, who does he think he is, Big Bird?  What other brainwashing is Obama capable of?

To investigate this brainwashing claim further, I decided to look at some of the top stories from Labor Day weekend.  It appears the Obama conspiracy machine is even stronger than we thought.  We always knew that the mainstream media was in his back pocket; but now, it looks like Obama’s encroaching upon Kevin Bacon territory.

The following is an example of Obama’s liberal mind control with the top stories during Labor Day Weekend: as you can see, it all comes back to him.

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(Starting at the top, going clockwise)

  • Obama Brainwashes Kids: On Monday, Obama released the text for his speech to schoolchildren, emphasizing the importance of education, and encouraging kids to stay in school.  This is ironic, given…
  • Sam Bradford Injures Shoulder: On Saturday, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner injured his shoulder after being slammed to the ground during a game versus BYU.  Bradford, who would have been the probable #1 pick in this year’s NFL draft, instead chose to stay in school.  Hmm, there goes millions of dollars — but at least he has a University of Oklahoma education!  Yet, Bradford’s injury was not the only football story of the weekend…
  • Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila Battle it Out: On Sunday, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was taken into custody following a domestic dispute with TV personality Tila Tequila.  It’s another classic case of angry football player beating his intoxicated, bisexual reality star girlfriend.  The likely aftermath is that the charges will get dropped, Merriman will go on to the Pro Bowl, and Tila Tequila will get another VH1 show out of it (my suggestion: “A Stranglehold on Love, With Tila Tequila”).  It’s not often that you get earnest headlines like the following: “Tequila denies being drunk.”  But the 4’11” Tequila was not the only undersized girl to survive a beating this weekend…
  • Melanie Oudin Shocks Russia: American tennis upstart Melanie Oudin, 17, stunned three Russian opponents on the way to her first US Open quarterfinal.  Playing three grueling three-set matches within the week, Oudin knocked off opponents who were, on average, bigger (five inches taller), stronger (fifteen pounds heavier), and older (at least five years, with Petrova and Dementieva both a full decade past Melanie’s 17 years).  The fact that all three opponents were Russian is interesting, given…
  • More Troops Requested in Afghanistan: The 1979 Soviet War in Afghanistan lasted nine years, and is frequently referred to as “Russia’s Vietnam.”  Can we avoid the same fate, or is the U.S. headed for Vietnam II?  Last week, Gen. McChrystal, who is leading American and NATO forces in Afghanistan, requested that more troops be brought in to stabilize the country.  Obama is expected to confer with advisors on the troop increase this week.  However, he will be without one of his most trusted advisors, Senator Ted Kennedy…
  • Candidates Emerging for Senator Kennedy’s Seat: A special election for Kennedy’s Senate seat has been scheduled for January 19, 2010.  Joe Kennedy (Ted’s nephew) has already said he won’t run. Vicki Kennedy (Ted’s widow) has privately denied claims as well.  So if it’s not a Kennedy, who will it be?  Rumored contenders range from Martha Coakley (Massachusetts attorney general) to Curt Schilling (of bloody sock lore).  But if Kennedy’s Senate seat falls into the hands of a (gasp!) Republican, the Dems may not get the 60 votes needed to stave off filibusters and pass healthcare reform.  Which brings us right back to…

Obama.  That’s right.  Not only is Obama turning our children into liberal monsters, but he’s monopolized the news as well.  Thus, this proves that the Obama spin machine is genius when it comes to keeping his brainwashy policies top-of-mind.  So, keep an eye on your kids now that they’re back in school.  I know that my [hypothetical] children are getting nowhere near Big Bird Obama.  Or Shawn Merriman, for that matter.

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Jack Bauer and Cheney’s Policy of Torture

[Setting: The Supreme Court, Washington DC, September 2009… A large crowd has gathered inside.  Jack Nicholson has a courtside seat.]

JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Attorney General Holder, call your witness.

ERIC HOLDER: Prosecution calls former Vice President, Dick Cheney.

DICK CHENEY is escorted in, scowling.

ROBERTS: Mr. Cheney, do you solemnly swear that your testimony will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

CHENEY: God can’t help me now. [crowd titters]

ROBERTS: Mr. Cheney?

CHENEY: I do.

ROBERTS: Please be seated.

CHENEY sits.  HOLDER stands, and holds up a document from his desk.

HOLDER: Mr. Cheney, in the spring of 2002, did you sign off on a CIA memo authorizing harsher interrogation techniques?

CHENEY: I did.

HOLDER: Can you please give your rationale as to why these techniques were necessary?

CHENEY: I, along with many senior ranking officials in the Bush administration, felt that the country was in danger.

HOLDER: Grave danger?

CHENEY: Is there another kind? 

HOLDER holds up a photograph of Abu Zubaydah.

HOLDER: Do you recognize this man?

CHENEY: That is Abu Zubaydah, an Al Qaeda operative whom we apprehended in Pakistan in March 2002.

HOLDER: FBI agent Ali Soufan has testified that CIA interrogators tortured Zubaydah.  Torture methods included nudity, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding.

CHENEY [shrugs]: So?

HOLDER: These interrogation techniques are all illegal in the United States.

CHENEY: Not when I made up the law.

HOLDER: Why did you allow the CIA to use these torture techniques on Zubaydah?

CHENEY takes a sip of water, then glares at HOLDER.

CHENEYCHENEY: Son, we live in a world that has walls.  And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns.  Who’s going to do it?  You?  Me?  I dodged Vietnam five times, so it’s sure as hell not going to be me.  But even though I have no military experience, I had a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.  You weep for torture victims and you curse the American interrogators.  You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that torture, while tragic, probably saves lives.  And waterboarding, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives–

HOLDER [interjects]: Mr. Cheney, can you give a specific example on how lives were saved?

CHENEY [caught off-guard]: Well… Zubaydah confessed to a number of Al Qaeda plots.

HOLDER: Have any of these plots been substantiated?  Did you ever consider that Zubaydah may have lied under interrogation to avoid more torture?  That his intel was faulty, at best?

CHENEY: What does it matter?

HOLDER: It matters because you were torturing this guy, and I want answers!

CHENEY: You want answers?

HOLDER: I think I’m entitled.

CHENEY [getting angry]: You want answers??

HOLDER: I want the truth!

CHENEY: You can’t handle the truth!

JACK NICHOLSON: Snap!

CHENEY pounds his fist on the ledge.  His face is red.

CHENEY: You can’t handle the truth, because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall.  You need me on that wall… Well, maybe not me, but someone else that I hire to stand on the wall.  You need him.  And I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom my guy provides, and then questions the manner in which he provides it.

HOLDER holds up a copy of 24 on DVD.

HOLDER: Mr. Cheney, did you, or did you not, approve of torture based on an episode of 24?

CHENEY: I did the job I was sent to do.

HOLDER [voice rising]: Did you, or did you not, approve of torture because you saw Jack Bauer do it?

CHENEY: Oh by the way, I don’t give a damn what you’re entitled to. I forgot to say that.

HOLDER: Jack Bauer —

CHENEY: You’re goddamn right I did!

The crowd gasps.  Justice John Roberts faints.  Jack Nicholson gives a standing ovation.

HOLDER: Oh, shit.

CHENEY24 copy

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