Tag Archives: shawn merriman

Channeling Jay Leno…

On Friday, Derek Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hits leader.  However, Jeter is still chasing the record for most hits in one night, held by Chris Brown.

Thousands gathered in DC on Saturday to protest what they consider out-of-control government spending.  Because after eight years of rising budget deficits, now is the time to rise up!…  Many in the crowd prepared for the chance of rain by covering themselves with white sheets and pointy hats.

The USDA has been urging media outlets to stop calling the H1N1 virus “swine flu,” claiming that it is hurting pork farmers.  Pork farmers declined to comment, as they have all been bed-ridden with the flu.

Several college campuses are already reporting swine flu outbreaks, especially amongst those rushing fraternities and sororities.  However, students don’t seem to be deterred from rush, since catching swine flu at a frat party is still not as likely as catching herpes.

At the US Open, Serena Williams lost her semifinal match on a code violation after she profanely berated a linesman.  Serena was heard shouting, “You lie!”…  Serena allegedly told the linesman that she would “shove a bleeping tennis ball down her bleeping throat.”  Serena was hoping that she would finally get women’s tennis onto SportsCenter’s Top 10 Plays.

Joe Wilson has raised more than $1 million since his now-famous outburst during Obama’s healthcare speech.  That’s $500K per syllable.  During Obama’s next healthcare address, Wilson is expected to yell out, “You supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

Wilson said that he would not apologize twice for heckling the President.  Instead, he will ask Governor Mark Sanford to write a series of remorseful love letters to the President on his behalf.

On Friday, Michael Jordan was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame.  Several members of Jordan’s supporting cast were in attendance, including Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, and Bugs Bunny.

Accusations of assault against Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman have been dismissed by the district attorney’s office.  As reason for dropping charges, the San Diego DA cited “insufficient evidence and Merriman’s superb third down defense.”

On Saturday, Tina Fey won an Emmy for her impersonation of Sarah Palin on SNL.  Ironically Sarah Palin also won an Emmy, for her impersonation of Tina Fey without a soul.

This weekend, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez revealed that he purchased rockets from Russia during a nine-country tour.  Chavez claimed the missiles were “defense instruments”, only to be used if he felt threatened.  Then he aimed a rocket at the Venezuelan media, and blew them up.

Brett Favre made his Minnesota Vikings debut with a win on Sunday against the Browns.  Still, it wasn’t a “classic” Brett Favre performance, since he didn’t throw an interception.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb cracked a rib in Sunday’s win against the Carolina Panthers.  After the injury, team trainers consulted with Michael Vick, and decided to put McNabb down.



Filed under Arts and Entertainment, News, Politics, Random

The Six Degrees of Barack Obama Brainwashing America’s Children

As Labor Day Weekend has passed, it’s officially the end of summer.  College football season has begun, Congress will be back in session soon, and I have retired all my white clothes.  So now it’s back to politics as usual.  The Obama administration is confronting several challenges this fall, including the ever-contentious healthcare bill.  Not since Adam vs. Kris has the public been so vehemently divided.

But even though Obama is facing his worst approval rating since being in office, the administration is taking steps to push through his ambitious agenda.  On Tuesday, Obama  plans to address schoolchildren in a controversial back-to-school speech.  The “controversy” has been stoked by conservatives who fear that Obama is trying to brainwash our kids with socialist talk.  Well if that’s true, I’m definitely not letting the POTUS around my [hypothetical] kids.  I mean, who does he think he is, Big Bird?  What other brainwashing is Obama capable of?

To investigate this brainwashing claim further, I decided to look at some of the top stories from Labor Day weekend.  It appears the Obama conspiracy machine is even stronger than we thought.  We always knew that the mainstream media was in his back pocket; but now, it looks like Obama’s encroaching upon Kevin Bacon territory.

The following is an example of Obama’s liberal mind control with the top stories during Labor Day Weekend: as you can see, it all comes back to him.


(Starting at the top, going clockwise)

  • Obama Brainwashes Kids: On Monday, Obama released the text for his speech to schoolchildren, emphasizing the importance of education, and encouraging kids to stay in school.  This is ironic, given…
  • Sam Bradford Injures Shoulder: On Saturday, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner injured his shoulder after being slammed to the ground during a game versus BYU.  Bradford, who would have been the probable #1 pick in this year’s NFL draft, instead chose to stay in school.  Hmm, there goes millions of dollars — but at least he has a University of Oklahoma education!  Yet, Bradford’s injury was not the only football story of the weekend…
  • Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila Battle it Out: On Sunday, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was taken into custody following a domestic dispute with TV personality Tila Tequila.  It’s another classic case of angry football player beating his intoxicated, bisexual reality star girlfriend.  The likely aftermath is that the charges will get dropped, Merriman will go on to the Pro Bowl, and Tila Tequila will get another VH1 show out of it (my suggestion: “A Stranglehold on Love, With Tila Tequila”).  It’s not often that you get earnest headlines like the following: “Tequila denies being drunk.”  But the 4’11” Tequila was not the only undersized girl to survive a beating this weekend…
  • Melanie Oudin Shocks Russia: American tennis upstart Melanie Oudin, 17, stunned three Russian opponents on the way to her first US Open quarterfinal.  Playing three grueling three-set matches within the week, Oudin knocked off opponents who were, on average, bigger (five inches taller), stronger (fifteen pounds heavier), and older (at least five years, with Petrova and Dementieva both a full decade past Melanie’s 17 years).  The fact that all three opponents were Russian is interesting, given…
  • More Troops Requested in Afghanistan: The 1979 Soviet War in Afghanistan lasted nine years, and is frequently referred to as “Russia’s Vietnam.”  Can we avoid the same fate, or is the U.S. headed for Vietnam II?  Last week, Gen. McChrystal, who is leading American and NATO forces in Afghanistan, requested that more troops be brought in to stabilize the country.  Obama is expected to confer with advisors on the troop increase this week.  However, he will be without one of his most trusted advisors, Senator Ted Kennedy…
  • Candidates Emerging for Senator Kennedy’s Seat: A special election for Kennedy’s Senate seat has been scheduled for January 19, 2010.  Joe Kennedy (Ted’s nephew) has already said he won’t run. Vicki Kennedy (Ted’s widow) has privately denied claims as well.  So if it’s not a Kennedy, who will it be?  Rumored contenders range from Martha Coakley (Massachusetts attorney general) to Curt Schilling (of bloody sock lore).  But if Kennedy’s Senate seat falls into the hands of a (gasp!) Republican, the Dems may not get the 60 votes needed to stave off filibusters and pass healthcare reform.  Which brings us right back to…

Obama.  That’s right.  Not only is Obama turning our children into liberal monsters, but he’s monopolized the news as well.  Thus, this proves that the Obama spin machine is genius when it comes to keeping his brainwashy policies top-of-mind.  So, keep an eye on your kids now that they’re back in school.  I know that my [hypothetical] children are getting nowhere near Big Bird Obama.  Or Shawn Merriman, for that matter.

1 Comment

Filed under Arts and Entertainment, News, Politics