Over the past few months, Jersey Shore has served as the tacit Bible for those who wish to follow the path of DJ Jesus: a life of immodest tanning, unattractive hair styling, and exuberant fist pumping interspersed with punches in the face. But now that the show is over, where will we find our future prophets, our next Snookis, J-Wowws, or Pauly Ds? I’m so distraught that I can’t even deal with The Situation. But, if MTV decides that they’d like to expand their Shore franchise, here are some recommendations:
- Connecticut Shore: Clad in blazers, cashmere, and khakis bearing small crustacean logos, our pasty-white cast members will showcase the best of Connecticut living. With this group, they don’t do hair gel; they do hair pomade… sprinkled with saffron and Bulova gold flakes. Follow the drama surrounding Bernard’s trust fund tussle, Priscilla’s equestrian meet, and Theodore VII’s late-night car crash while drunk off white wine spritzers. On the Connecticut Shore, controversy will ensue after Gabriel is found buying a sale item at Vineyard Vines. Lawsuits will fly after Madison steals a string of pearls for her charity auction, Helping Hedge Fund Survivors. And love will find a way, as outcast Zoe will fall for a grunge, homeless, starving artist from Brooklyn in a shocking act of Connecticut rebellion.
- Cleveland Shore: Follow the travails of all-American Clevelandites as they try to find things to do other than drink beer every night in their moms’ basements. Witness the tension between Joe and Mary during their eighteenth trip to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. Guess if Mikey will ever be successful in his nightly attempts to find LeBron’s house. And see if sweet Carol Anne can actually summon Jesus Christ into her bedroom by using a Ouija board. Plaid shirts, overalls, and yellow gingham dresses have never been so hip. With our hot, denim-clad characters and the scandalous backdrop of Cleveland, you can hum hymns while humping hims (but only if you’re a “her”… it’s still a red state at heart). And despite the fact that their “shore” is only on a lake, at least it’s a great lake.
- Monterey Shore: The wine is out, the clothes are off, and the hazy Monterey Shore promises to be a laid-back lovefest of crunchy activists. Follow Marcel and Kyaaledi (pronounced “Joan”) as they protest the deforestation of the Komodor dog. Find out if Meadow can sell her rhubarb milk shakes at the beach while competing with the capitalist lemonade stand. Try not to salivate from the mouth as you watch Isaac play the ukelele naked, just ’cause he feels like it. With a beautiful Californian cast that includes four women, four men, and an adopted baby seal named Scooter (lone survivor of the club-a-seal booth at the beach fair), the Monterey Shore will get you thinking about more than just fair trade bananas and organic tea parties. You know, it’s about life, man… and bangin’.
- Texas Shore: If you want drama, turn off TNT and change your channel to Texas Shore. In Texas’ own version of the Bloods and Crips, we have our red-blooded God enthusiasts facing off against the cryptic indie film lovers of Austin. Throw in a side of Mexicans, and you have a hit show. Texas Shore is full of brawn, religion, papis, and, of course, guns. Follow George as he drives along the Texas coastline in his pickup, chanting “America! America!”, with a rifle out the passenger seat. Watch as Nina (single, bespectacled, bra-less) stumps for outdated causes, like women’s rights and freedom for Native Americans. Will George and Nina ever find true love together? Will jean cut-offs meet saggy polyester in an immediate union of love and retired fashions? And what will happen when the U.S. tries to deport Ricardo in the middle of his American Idol audition? Stay tuned…