Tag Archives: big bird

Old Tiger May Have Been “Boring,” But At Least He Doesn’t Have The Clap

Dammit, Tiger Woods.  Forget about your wife for a second (I’m guessing that won’t be hard) — How could you do this to us, your fans?  Just last week, every person in America was a fan of Tiger Woods.  You were an American icon.  You broke barriers in the stuffy white world of professional golf.  You had the perfect life, with your beautiful family and bazillion dollars.  Compared to other “role models” like Kobe the infidel or Michael the dog  slayer, we thought you were the model athlete.  We wore Nike sweater vests and bought Buicks because of you.  We never expected that you would commit “transgressions” that are typically made by our country’s fine politicians, Hollywood celebrities, and prominent businessmen.  You were better than that.  We trusted you.  And you Madoff’ed us. 

Three mistresses?  Seriously?  We never thought that you were such a fiend behind that surly glare.  Even Kobe could only claim to have one (public) mistress.  You had three, plus a wife.  Apparently you really can drive it long consistently.  Seems like you live up to your name, Tiger.  

But honestly, if you were going to cheat, couldn’t you have picked some classier ladies to cheat with?  You’d think that Tiger Woods would prefer discreet politicians’ wives to waitresses and Vegas club promoters.  Then again, I guess that was Old Tiger, with his quiet, “boring” life.  New Tiger?  Well, he’ll look chlamydia in the eye and buy it dinner.  

In this world of New Tiger, I just don’t know who to trust anymore.  Does the Pope sit around the Vatican and stuff dollar bills into the bustieres of skanky nuns?  Does Barack Obama do lines of coke off Sasha and Malia’s dollhouse toilet?  Does Big Bird try and lure kids back to his nest for private ABC lessons?  

What’s good and what’s evil?  

I really don’t know.  Because on the same day that Tiger Woods announces that he’s a sleazy d-bag, humanitarian Michael Vick lectures to kids about the horrors of dog fighting.  

This is one cruel, cruel opposite-day joke.    

Tiger Woods One Liners (forwarded from a co-worker)  

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?  Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.  

 What was Elin doing out at 2:30 in the morning?  Clubbing.  

 Why did Tiger crash into a tree AND a fire hydrant?  He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.  

 Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway. 

 If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.  

 What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.  

 Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.  Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.  

 What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT.  

 Given Tiger’s racial heritage, can we call this a Black Thai affair?  

 Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family: Cheetah.  

 Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart?  Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.  

 Tiger Woods’ shirt is all red — Problem is, there’s no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.  

 What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.  

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The Six Degrees of Barack Obama Brainwashing America’s Children

As Labor Day Weekend has passed, it’s officially the end of summer.  College football season has begun, Congress will be back in session soon, and I have retired all my white clothes.  So now it’s back to politics as usual.  The Obama administration is confronting several challenges this fall, including the ever-contentious healthcare bill.  Not since Adam vs. Kris has the public been so vehemently divided.

But even though Obama is facing his worst approval rating since being in office, the administration is taking steps to push through his ambitious agenda.  On Tuesday, Obama  plans to address schoolchildren in a controversial back-to-school speech.  The “controversy” has been stoked by conservatives who fear that Obama is trying to brainwash our kids with socialist talk.  Well if that’s true, I’m definitely not letting the POTUS around my [hypothetical] kids.  I mean, who does he think he is, Big Bird?  What other brainwashing is Obama capable of?

To investigate this brainwashing claim further, I decided to look at some of the top stories from Labor Day weekend.  It appears the Obama conspiracy machine is even stronger than we thought.  We always knew that the mainstream media was in his back pocket; but now, it looks like Obama’s encroaching upon Kevin Bacon territory.

The following is an example of Obama’s liberal mind control with the top stories during Labor Day Weekend: as you can see, it all comes back to him.

labordaynews1

(Starting at the top, going clockwise)

  • Obama Brainwashes Kids: On Monday, Obama released the text for his speech to schoolchildren, emphasizing the importance of education, and encouraging kids to stay in school.  This is ironic, given…
  • Sam Bradford Injures Shoulder: On Saturday, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner injured his shoulder after being slammed to the ground during a game versus BYU.  Bradford, who would have been the probable #1 pick in this year’s NFL draft, instead chose to stay in school.  Hmm, there goes millions of dollars — but at least he has a University of Oklahoma education!  Yet, Bradford’s injury was not the only football story of the weekend…
  • Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila Battle it Out: On Sunday, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was taken into custody following a domestic dispute with TV personality Tila Tequila.  It’s another classic case of angry football player beating his intoxicated, bisexual reality star girlfriend.  The likely aftermath is that the charges will get dropped, Merriman will go on to the Pro Bowl, and Tila Tequila will get another VH1 show out of it (my suggestion: “A Stranglehold on Love, With Tila Tequila”).  It’s not often that you get earnest headlines like the following: “Tequila denies being drunk.”  But the 4’11” Tequila was not the only undersized girl to survive a beating this weekend…
  • Melanie Oudin Shocks Russia: American tennis upstart Melanie Oudin, 17, stunned three Russian opponents on the way to her first US Open quarterfinal.  Playing three grueling three-set matches within the week, Oudin knocked off opponents who were, on average, bigger (five inches taller), stronger (fifteen pounds heavier), and older (at least five years, with Petrova and Dementieva both a full decade past Melanie’s 17 years).  The fact that all three opponents were Russian is interesting, given…
  • More Troops Requested in Afghanistan: The 1979 Soviet War in Afghanistan lasted nine years, and is frequently referred to as “Russia’s Vietnam.”  Can we avoid the same fate, or is the U.S. headed for Vietnam II?  Last week, Gen. McChrystal, who is leading American and NATO forces in Afghanistan, requested that more troops be brought in to stabilize the country.  Obama is expected to confer with advisors on the troop increase this week.  However, he will be without one of his most trusted advisors, Senator Ted Kennedy…
  • Candidates Emerging for Senator Kennedy’s Seat: A special election for Kennedy’s Senate seat has been scheduled for January 19, 2010.  Joe Kennedy (Ted’s nephew) has already said he won’t run. Vicki Kennedy (Ted’s widow) has privately denied claims as well.  So if it’s not a Kennedy, who will it be?  Rumored contenders range from Martha Coakley (Massachusetts attorney general) to Curt Schilling (of bloody sock lore).  But if Kennedy’s Senate seat falls into the hands of a (gasp!) Republican, the Dems may not get the 60 votes needed to stave off filibusters and pass healthcare reform.  Which brings us right back to…

Obama.  That’s right.  Not only is Obama turning our children into liberal monsters, but he’s monopolized the news as well.  Thus, this proves that the Obama spin machine is genius when it comes to keeping his brainwashy policies top-of-mind.  So, keep an eye on your kids now that they’re back in school.  I know that my [hypothetical] children are getting nowhere near Big Bird Obama.  Or Shawn Merriman, for that matter.

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Semi-Serious Ideas in Entertainment

singled-out1. MTV FOR OLD PEOPLE: With a rapidly aging population and a surplus of baby boomers who still want to stay hip, I propose the creation of a new TV network for the older demographic. Like its teenage counterpart MTV, FOP (“For Old People”) could feature variations on popular shows. There could be FOP versions of classic MTV hits, like Singled Out: Octogenarians, My Super Sweet One Hundred (Esther gets a new motorized scooter!), or True Life: I’m a Denture Capitalist. Some other ideas for FOP programming: Survivor: Nursing Home, Are You Smarter Than a Senile Old Coot, and The Amazing Race to Heaven.

 

madoffd2. RENAME PUNK’D: In our new recessionary era, Madoff’d is the new Punk’d. The pilot episode could feature a $65 billion bonfire, with Bernie lighting up dollar bills while Alan Greenspan roasts marshmallows over the flames. Then Kutcher’s lackeys can go around to all of Madoff’s former investors and give them their pile of ash, along with a S’more. You just got Madoff’d! This can be followed by a new Publishers Clearinghouse show, where we watch Ed McMahon as he goes into people’s houses with a big camera crew and, “Surprise!” — forecloses their homes.

sesame

3. MODERNIZE SESAME STREET: With these hard new times, let’s see the effect of unemployment on the Street. Are Bert and Ernie worried about paying bills? Does Big Bird look extra-frazzled? Is there a surplus of unemployed day laborers in the neighborhood? This is a great opportunity to get toddlers thinking about the impact of credit default swaps on their cookie jar. “A is for AIG, B is for bankruptcy, C is for collateralized debt obligations… and F is for failure.” And speaking of cookies, maybe we can also encourage the Cookie Monster to watch his waistline. Yogurt Monster might not be as fun, but he’ll probably live longer.

gladiators

4. AMERICAN GLADIATORS MEETS C-SPAN: Every few years, we deal with the same drama in House, Senate, and Presidential elections. There are counts and recounts, hanging chads and run-off votes. There are promises and lies, hacks and phonies, Joe the Plumbers and Sarah Palins. (No wonder there’s political apathy in this country.) What if there was an easier way to decide it all? Why can’t we just run all our politicians through the Eliminator? (Junior Senators and House reps can opt for the easier Aggro Crag on GUTS instead.) The real decisionmakers, though, must perform Gladiator-style. They must face ‘roided up men and manly women. They’ll joust with Justice and try to deport Helga. The Eliminator will test their physical strength and mettle, and all of it will be shown on national TV. Then after the competition, Ryan Seacrest will announce the winner: “America, you voted… The new President of the United States is… Find out after the commercial break!”


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