Throughout the history of music, we’ve always had a knack for uncovering subliminal messages hidden in our favorite songs. Sometimes the discovery was subtle and unexpected, like playing the Beatles’ record backwards to hear “Paul is dead.” Sometimes the messaging was not as subtle, like hearing Britney Spears beg for someone to “If You Seek Amy” in her new salacious (and radio-censored) song.
Most of the time, pop music is like Brit-Brit: it’s quite literal. Thus when the pop diva asks us to satisfy her penchant for four-letter words, we know what she means. When Beyonce implores the male species to “put a ring on it,” she’s giving our deadbeat boyfriends a pretty clear directive. And when Lady Gaga sings “Just Dance”, well, we…just dance. But for every straight shooter in the music business, there’s always someone out there who just wants to if-you-seek-ay-with our heads.
The following are some examples of masterful, even Shakespearean, trickery; behind the poppy lyrics and tempo beats, we have discovered their true intentions:
Burnin’ Up (Jonas Brothers): “I’m slipping into the lava / And I’m trying to keep from going under / Baby who turned the temperature hotter / ‘Cause I’m burning up, burning up”
- Take it literally: The musically-gifted but awfully-coiffed trio is on the precipice of an exploding volcano. An exploding volcano of love.
- Think about it: If the brothers were to actually slip into lava, they would immediately die. So this song isn’t about love at all; it’s about an extreme fear of love. After all, who wants to burn to death in a pool of flaming magma? Not anyone I know.
Right Now (Akon): “I wanna make up right now na na / I wanna make up right now na na / Wish we never broke up right now na na / We need to link up right now na na”
- Take it literally: Akon wants to make up right now… how sweet.
- Think about it: This is Akon we’re talking about… he’s probably just Lonely or Locked Up. You really Don’t Matter to him. He’ll probably just say “I Wanna Love You“ and Smack That on your way out.
Right Round (Flo Rida ft. Katy Perry): “You spin my head right round / Right round / When you go down / When you go down down”
- Take it literally: So yeah, it sounds like he maaayy be talking about fellatio… Or stripping. Either way, adult activities.
- Think about it: It’s a recession, people. And Katy Perry clearly has a thing for girls. So what else is going down down, and making our heads spin right round? Of course… the stock market. The Dow just can’t keep it up, and with all the painful pullbacks, it’s been one wild ride on the Street. There’s nothing sexual about it. And if you seek proof, just ask for Amy.
But nowadays, a new group of men have replaced the earnest anti-heroes of the past. Our enigmatic soul searchers have given way to male characters who, well, just can’t keep it in their pants. There’s George (T.R. Knight) from Grey’s Anatomy, the awkward, bumbly intern at Seattle Grace who has inexplicably slept with more female leads than the character they call McSteamy (Eric Dane). Three to two, Dr. Sloan. Then there’s Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford), the feel-bad-for-me rich kid from the Upper East Side, who has slept with all three of the teenage female leads on Gossip Girl… and there are four in total. Don’t feel bad for little J, though — she made out with Nate earlier this season (Jenny’s brother broke it up before they could get too serious). Now that Nate’s 4/4 with the young girls, we’ll see if he moves on to the mothers soon… If you watch the show, you know that it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
With George knocking boots with half the female doctors in Seattle, and Nate batting 1.000 while still in high school, it got me thinking… what happened? Is it a sign of the times that we demand philandering doctors and promiscuous pretty boys? Does the 18-34 demographic really want to see these guys rotating through the female leads like cowboys at the rodeo?
It can be easily argued that we live in a celebrity culture. With resources like People.com, TMZ, and the ever-infallible Perez Hilton, we know more intimate details about celebrities than we do our own friends and family. I may not know the name of my best friend’s ex, but I do know that Jared Leto used to date Cameron Diaz, who used to date Justin Timberlake, who used to date Britney Spears, who used to date Kevin Federline, who used to date nobody famous… that is, before dating, impregnating, marrying, and divorcing, Britney Spears. Through the celebrity-stalking bible known as Us Weekly, I’ve learned that Michael Phelps likes Chinese food, Ricky Martin likes boxer briefs, and Lindsay Lohan likes women. From watching E! News and listening to Ryan Seacrest on the radio, I have developed a wealth of celebrity trivia that would make my high school US history teacher cringe. What year did Madonna’s first album come out? 1983. Who played the little girl in Remember the Titans? Hayden Panettiere. What did Jessie take that got her “so excited” but yet “so scared”? Caffeine pills. No, I may not know exactly what Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac do, or where to find Pakistan on a map, but I can tell you that back when they were married, 
For many of us, celebrities are just incredibly fascinating. Typically most of us would think that it’s crazy to camp out on the sidewalk for hours, just to get within screaming distance of a children’s book author. We would find it odd to reach out and grab at random strangers’ arms, legs, and (other) body parts. Perhaps we want to get close enough to verify that celebrities are, indeed, human. And so we change our shopping route to follow them at the supermarket. We stare at them, enraptured, as they do mundane things that all of a sudden seem fascinating. We try to take a picture of them buying carrots with our camera phone. Maybe all of it is just to confirm that they too eat food, walk places, and have boring days. Maybe it’s to reassure us that they are, kind of, 
FRESH is BACK 