When you graduate from Harvard, you’re automatically put on the distribution list for Harvard Magazine, a monthly publication full of big words and BMW spreads. Each month, I eagerly await my issue. When I finally get it in the mail, I go straight to the classifieds, to the land of people who love Mozart, clam bakes, and “the outdoors.” There is truly nothing more entertaining than reading Harvard personals.
Every personal ad in Harvard Mag starts out the same. It’s almost always a woman, over 40, who is “sensual” and “witty.” I imagine that prior to placing this ad, she’s endured several blind dates, countless eHarmony mismatches, and more than a few country club flings.
In this month’s issue (Nov-Dec), there were 25 personal ads.
- 21 of the 25 ads were taken out by women looking for men (only 1 was for a man looking for a woman… the 3 others were dating service ads)
- 3 of the women were CEOs or CFOs
- 5 ads mentioned France or something French… examples of appropriate shout-outs: joie de vive, coq au vin, Musée de Orsay
- Hobbies that received multiple mentions: traveling, skiing, photography, Maine, birdwatching, and biscuits
I don’t know why I get so much pleasure from reading the mini-resumes of the old and lonely. Perhaps I’m seeing my future… I have to pick up tips on how to write my own personal ad, twenty years from now.
So, how will it go? Here are some lines I liked from this month’s magazine:
“Feel like an unpaired electron?” … I do! All the time. And you do too? Well… isn’t that ionic?
“Extremely cute… dark alluring eyes hint at mystery and reveal quick intelligence and happy surprises.” …This is from the first woman who likes biscuits. She also describes herself as “slender”. Are you happily surprised?
“Magic ability to playfully enjoy humor.” …This is the second woman who likes biscuits. She would like my “ionic” joke. Blame it on magic.
“Looking forward to meeting personable man (59-73)” … Apparently, 74 is just too old. And unless she has a strange aversion to numbers 58 and below, I’m guessing that she is 59 years old. She ain’t no cradle robber.
“Great legs. Classy, approachable, adventurous… can catch 75lb sailfish.” … Sailfish are the fastest fish in the world (I learned this from “Fun Fish Facts” in a D’Angelos kids meal), so she must have nice legs to catch one of those bad boys.
“Warm, classy, intellectual not dry or stuffy, just the real deal.” …Tell it like it is, homegirl.
So, with these cues in mind, here is my own Harvard Magazine personal ad. I made it rhyme, just because it shows off my magic ability to playfully enjoy humor:
Are you an open parenthesis? Have you always been looking for someone to complete your thoughts? Complete your life? Well, I can turn your parenthesis into parentheses / I can turn your “me” into “us” and your “I” into “we” / I am sexy and sensual and very classy / I like opera and Shakespeare and good duck confit (there’s my something French) / I look forward to meeting a man who can try / To love me and look me right straight in the eye / And tell me my legs are the best he has seen / Then feed me some biscuits all covered in cream / And though he must be over 18 in age / I don’t mind an old geezer as long as he pays… / …attention to me, and that’s all that I care / If he’s jobless or homeless or bald without hair / As long as I know that he really wants me / I just want to complete my parentheses, please.