“I’m not like other girls.” – Every girl
You meet a girl.
At first, she seems perfectly normal. She’s pleasant and sweet. She goes with you on long walks beside the river. She even listens politely to your dull work stories—you know, the one about the copier being broken all day, and what kind of office is this?! But then, as time passes, things start to change. Maybe she begins lashing out for no good reason. Maybe her mood fluctuates as wildly as her appetite. Maybe her fun-loving self deteriorates so that you can barely coax out a dead-eye smile. Pretty soon, you must admit that the inevitable has happened. Your perfect, sweet, beautiful girl has contracted bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Because your girl is a cow. And the bitch has got what’s more commonly known as Mad Cow Disease.
Not really. Because even though (most) girls aren’t cows, at some point in her dating life, every otherwise-normal human girl will do something absolutely, embarrassingly, crazy. You think everything is going great, and then, all of a sudden, BAM! Mad Cow. And now your once-cool girlfriend is a hyperventilating mess of tears and screaming and excruciatingly-long text messages. Just as the neurological Mad Cow Disease incubates for years inside the minds of cattle, so too does a girl’s doubts. Her insecurities. Her fears. (Inside her own mind, not the minds of cattle. Poor parallelism there, but you get it.) And every now and then, without warning or even provocation, the festering disease will emerge, resulting in furious acts of girl-gone-crazy.
Like my friend Ashley.* She was dating a guy for just two weeks, but if he didn’t respond to her text message within fifteen minutes, she would drive by his house to see if he was home. Or my friend Katie. She “accidentally” left a running tape recorder at her boyfriend’s house just to glean information about what he wanted for his birthday. Or my friend Jen. She created a fake online persona on Facebook and Twitter, topped the profiles with a Google-Imaged chick in a bikini, and started trying to virtually seduce her boyfriend to see if he would cheat.
These aren’t just desperate, psychotic, fugly-faced girls. These are attractive, intelligent women with careers and previously-functioning cerebral cortexes. It’s just that, for whatever reason, they spun off and went a little nuts. Okay, fine, maybe a lot nuts.
So how do you respond to the crazy? There are two options. The first option is to recognize that all girls are a bit crazy, and that all girls will inevitably suffer from bouts of relationship-induced temporary insanity. And come on, you’ve got to admit that part of it is your fault too (maybe?). So, you learn to accept it. You soldier on through because you love her, and you hope that this too shall pass, and hey, you’re not getting any younger either, so she’s probably like the best you can do anyway.
The second option is to bring your girl out on an idyllic countryside drive, take her hand in a remote meadow, and then chop her head off.
So, yeah… Option 2, right?
* Names changed to protect the innocent and I swear one of them is not me.