Tag Archives: birthers

And Now, The Latest News… To Music

Even in the post-Napster age, music piracy is still on the rise.  Record companies are hemorrhaging money.  Artists are forced to drink tap instead of Fiji.  The only bright spot in the music industry is in publishing: owning the rights to songs that will be licensed to radio, television, video games, commercials, etc.

A local nightly news program may pay $1,000 to $4,000 for some horn-and-drum opening music and use it whenever it wants. The same goes for background, mood-setting music on a daytime soap opera. But using a song just once in a major motion picture can cost $25,000 to $1 million. Companies like J. Crew even pay fees for music played on their Web sites. (From NY Times)

If this is where the money is, then why not alter the product?  Let’s make songs for our newscasts and political debates.  We don’t necessarily have to sacrifice our “art” in order to make it topical:

WHITNEY-2

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I’m Not a Hater, I Just Fuss a Lot

Back when George W. Bush was President, I would often lament the sorry state of American politics.  Twice we had elected a man who could not form grammatically correct sentences.  We had handed over top security codes to a guy who couldn’t pronounce “nuclear.”  And yesterday, we found out that the Bushie administration had tried to yo-yo with our emotions by manipulating the terror alert system:  “Let’s bump it up to Code Orange during the holiday weekend, just to clear out traffic on the roads.  Dick Cheney has a hunting trip.”

bushSo for eight years, I stewed.  I vented.  I called G-Dubs every synonym of “idiot” in the English language.  And I widely expressed my belief that W. was possibly the worst president in the history of our country, which is saying quite a lot, given the legendary ineptitude of Warren G. Harding.

But after Obama was elected president, I figured I would have no more need to complain.  Americans had finally come around.  I was proud that we were smart enough, bold enough, and progressive enough to elect Obama.  My hating would end.

It did not.

Now that Obama is President, I am lodging my complaints at complainers: birthers, neocons, fans of FOX News, Palins, gun nuts, and insurance executives.  Instead of disaparaging the White House, I am turning around and throwing spitballs at the American public instead (except for the ones carrying assault rifles).

But really: Are we seriously that stupid to think the government will kill off the elderly through “death panels”?  That universal healthcare will necessarily lead to hospitals overrun with illegal immigrants?  That Obama’s parents decided to fly from Hawaii to Kenya, just so their baby boy could reap the rewards of Kenyan citizenship?  Come on, people!

In the end, I suppose I’ll never be at ease unless I have no one to criticize.  Now that Bush has retired to his new Texas farm life, I’ve found new targets for my parting shots.  So Glenn Beck, Whole Foods, and town-hall wingnuts, beware.  I’ll be on the attack with my socialist, Nazi-fed, Grandma-killing ideas.  And if you’re part of the birther movement, I’m calling a terr0r-alert audible: we’re moving this up to a Code Red.

TERRORALERT

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How Would You Say “Happy Birthday” in Kenya?

Happy birthday President Obama!  Of course, I’m not really sure that today, August 4th, is indeed your real birthday… See, I’ve been listening to Orly Taitz quite a bit lately.  She’s obviously a credible woman, given that she is a lawyer, a dentist, and a real estate agent–three of the most beloved and trusted professions in all of America.  She’s been leading the charge of the “birthers”, who claim that you were born in Kenya.  Yes, the mainstream media (and others) have dismissed her as a “crank” and a “racist lunatic“, but they’re probably just judging her based on how she looks (like a sad, anorexic Mimi Bobeck).  And after watching two episodes of ABC’s Dating in the Dark, I’m sick of our superficiality.  I just want the truth!

orlytaitzOrly’s most recent stint on MSNBC has me convinced.  Mr. President, just admit it.  You were born in Kenya.  I’ve seen the birth certificate.  It says your name, and it has a Kenya stamp on it: that makes it pretty authentic.  It disgusts me that you forged your Hawaii birth certificate and planted that announcement in the Honolulu Advertiser.  Given that you can’t prove your American birth any more than that, then it looks like your only recourse is to go with Orly’s suggestion: to dig up your father and make him a citizen.  That sounds reasonable to me.

According to Orly, 85% of Americans are with me.  I mean, I’ve done my research.  I’ve read the message boards on the Internet.  There are several comments by your fellow Kenyans who claim their parents did the same thing: forged Hawaiian birth certificates and then smuggled their illegal alien babies into the country.  Obviously, this makes it true.

joebideniscanadianSo, President Obama, who else is in on this scam?  Joe Biden doesn’t really look like he’s from Pennsylvania…  he seems pretty shady, and his middle name is Robinette.  Hmm, remember the famous Canadian trial lawyer John Josiah Robinette?  Well, neither do I, but he’s in Wikipedia.  And Scranton is only a six hour drive from Canada…  If your parents took a 10,000 mile weekend trip so that you could be born in the best medical facility in the world–the Mombasa hospital in Kenya–then I’m pretty sure the Bidens took a road trip to pop out Joe Robinette in Ottawa.  Am I right?  Of course, you got rid of all the evidence of your Kenyan birth, flight, and entry into America.  I bet the Bidens are trading in that old clunker now for $4,500 and a Prius.

So just admit it, Mr. President.  You were born to Muslim jihadists in a rogue terrorist hospital run by Kenyan communists.  Don’t get mad at us for exposing the truth: it doesn’t mean we’re xenophobic racist lunatics.  That’s just crazy talk.  We just think that your Kenyan citizenship affects your ability to lead the nation.  Because frankly, well, the President should be a true American: white, Christian, gun-totin’, moose-eatin’ American.  But not Sarah Palin.  She’s just a bit too familiar with Russia, if you know what I mean…

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