I feel sorry for humanity sometimes.
I feel sorry when I hear that a Hispanic woman’s voice should only be used to enforce the “immutable” laws written by 300-year old white men. I feel sorry when I hear the term “world peace,” which now serves solely as a popular chant for beauty queens, and a punchline for stand-up comedians. I feel sorry when a tricycle needs to be locked up on the streets of New York City, because someone is afraid that it will get stolen.
I am sorry for all of these threats to humanity: for our divisive politics, for the wanton hate in the world, and for a tumbling economy that would drive thieves after three-wheelers.
But, I have a solution. A solution that will boost our economy, bring people together, and elevate our relations with countries around the world:
Bring on the aliens.
Yes, aliens. Imagine flying saucers, little green men, and Joan Rivers’ face.
I’m serious here. It seems that most of the world’s troubles derive from our human nature to seek a common enemy. So, think about it: The guys running Area 51 call up their alien pals and say, “Come on in!” Thousands of alien spaceships fly through the hole in the ozone layer created by global warming. These aliens are smart (since they have spaceships) and angry (since they’ve been on a very, very long road trip with no rest stops).
Americans are soon alerted about the alien invasion, and boy, we are afraid. Afraid, and mad, because these damn spaceships are blocking satellite reception for DirecTV. Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell immediately deliver a joint speech about togetherness in the face of adversity. Sarah Palin enchants us all with a story about how she can see outer space from Alaska. At the same time, a modern-day New Deal is put into place, creating thousands of jobs for ordinary Americans to build alien entrapment plants and spaceship bombers.
A U.N. coalition is quickly formed to fight the aliens, whose spaceships are now flying all over the globe. Kim Jong Il offers up his arsenal of nukes. Ahmadinejad starts pumping oil to support a new military. And given that America is still the global leader in science, technology, and alien objects (this is where Joan comes in), we are tasked with spearheading the charge. After a rousing speech by Bill Pullman, Will Smith leads the first group of alien freedom fighters out in space.
Bound together by fear, and a renewed belief in our collective humanity, we shed our ideological differences and stand hand-in-hand with our human neighbors as we watch the fireworks above.
Of course, this is assuming that the aliens actually want to attack us. Instead, if they are coming in peace, then it would seem rather inhumane to mercilessly eliminate them… But if aliens can bring us (human) world peace, then I say, bring us the aliens.