Remember when Jesus died on Good Friday, rose again on Easter Sunday, and then somberly looked into our eyes and said, “I’ll be back?”* Jesus has proved to be a man of his word, rising from the dead to hobnob with Thomas the Apostle, have a resurrection fling with Mary Magdalene, and appear in a bucket of pizza sauce. Indeed, Jesus has been sighted many times, but not only in inanimate objects like fish sticks and pancakes… In fact, I am resolute in my belief that JC is back; he’s inhabited a body (fake-Locke style), and he’s living right here amongst us mortals in Southern California.
In fact, you may have heard of him.
And the modern-day resurrection of Jesus is…
(Wait for it.)
(Wait for it.)
(Commercial break.)
(Long yawn.)
(Thought we were back but it’s just another commercial break.)
(…OK, we’re done here.)
Yes, Ryan Seacrest is the modern-day resurrection of Jesus. (Shock, awe, teen screaming, and applause.) In case you haven’t heard of him, Jesus is the guy with long hair who walks on water. Seacrest is the ubiquitous face of Hollywood, the host of American Idol, the host of E! News, the host of American Top 40, the host of his own daily 5-10 AM radio show, and the host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve (with Ryan Seacrest). Unless you drive a horse and buggy to work, you know who Ryan Seacrest is. He catapulted Kelly Clarkson to fame. He kickstarted the Kardashians to infamy. He is a hosting hog (he’ll show up at your son’s bar mitvah, demanding the mike). He’s been on TV more often than Brian Williams, Oprah, and God (or, who he calls, “Pops”).
You might be skeptical. But there is evidence suggesting that Ryan Seacrest, is, indeed, Seasus. First, he has six jobs. Six. The fact that Seasus has six jobs is a testament (pun intended) to his ungodly work ethic (let’s just assume that from now on, all puns are intended). Second, he was born on December 24. Coincidence? I think not. Some disbelievers might say that Jesus was actually born on the 25th — well, Bethlehem is 7 hours ahead of Dunwoody, Georgia, where “Ryan Seacrest” was born. So it was still the 24th in the ATL. What up. Third, both guys had/have girl issues. Jesus supposedly had a lover in Mary Magdalene; Seacrest supposedly is straight. The life of do-gooding bachelorhood seems to fit them both, though it’s a shame that Seasus got rid of His free-flowing locks (better to attract hair gel sponsors, I suppose). And finally, if all that isn’t convincing enough, then just take a look at Jesus’ modern-day moniker: if you rearrange the letters to RYAN SEACREST, you get CRY, SATAN SEER. (It only took me about two minutes to get that one — for some reason, “Satan” just jumped right out.)
So, that is Seasus. He’s able to preach his gospel through the church of radio. He’s got more Twitter followers than the populations of New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Vermont combined. He’s liked by many, hated by few, but known by everyone. And for all those wondering, What Would Seasus Do?, I imagine that it goes something like this: He wakes up at 3 AM, talks for five hours on His radio show, throws jabs with Simon Cowell on American Idol, oversees a Kardashian episode where a hissy fit is thrown, does prep for American Top 40, takes an Underdog pill around 6 pm, blows through His E! News gig, calls up Dick Clark to see if he’s still alive and if He can finally change that show’s name to Ryan’s Rockin’ Eve, hangs up once He hears a croaky voice, calls up Pops, has a discussion with the man upstairs for the umpteenth time about Dick Clark (“It’s his time! He’s like 105!”), loses the battle once again, and before you know it, it’s 3 AM and He’s telling his radio show producers that “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Good one, Seasus.
* Yes, I did Wikipedia “Jesus”…But no, this quote is not in there. At least, not anymore. I hate when they edit out my Jesus quotes. I’m confident he did say it at some point:
Free-riding man in street: “Hey Jesus, will you pick up some barley?”
(Jesus sighs, rolls his eyes)
Jesus: “I’ll be back.”
See?
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Cleveland Shore: Follow the travails of all-American Clevelandites as they try to find things to do other than drink beer every night in their moms’ basements. Witness the tension between Joe and Mary during their eighteenth trip to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. Guess if Mikey will ever be successful in his nightly attempts to find LeBron’s house. And see if sweet Carol Anne can actually summon Jesus Christ into her bedroom by using a Ouija board. Plaid shirts, overalls, and yellow gingham dresses have never been so hip. With our hot, denim-clad characters and the scandalous backdrop of Cleveland, you can hum hymns while humping hims (but only if you’re a “her”… it’s still a red state at heart). And despite the fact that their “shore” is only on a lake, at least it’s a great lake.
Monterey Shore: The wine is out, the clothes are off, and the hazy Monterey Shore promises to be a laid-back lovefest of crunchy activists. Follow Marcel and Kyaaledi (pronounced “Joan”) as they protest the deforestation of the Komodor dog. Find out if Meadow can sell her rhubarb milk shakes at the beach while competing with the capitalist lemonade stand. Try not to salivate from the mouth as you watch Isaac play the ukelele naked, just ’cause he feels like it. With a beautiful Californian cast that includes four women, four men, and an adopted baby seal named Scooter (lone survivor of the club-a-seal booth at the beach fair), the Monterey Shore will get you thinking about more than just fair trade bananas and organic tea parties. You know, it’s about life, man… and bangin’.
Texas Shore: If you want drama, turn off TNT and change your channel to Texas Shore. In Texas’ own version of the Bloods and Crips, we have our red-blooded God enthusiasts facing off against the cryptic indie film lovers of Austin. Throw in a side of Mexicans, and you have a hit show. Texas Shore is full of brawn, religion, papis, and, of course, guns. Follow George as he drives along the Texas coastline in his pickup, chanting “America! America!”, with a rifle out the passenger seat. Watch as Nina (single, bespectacled, bra-less) stumps for outdated causes, like women’s rights and freedom for Native Americans. Will George and Nina ever find true love together? Will jean cut-offs meet saggy polyester in an immediate union of love and retired fashions? And what will happen when the U.S. tries to deport Ricardo in the middle of his American Idol audition? Stay tuned…
FRESH is BACK 